Right before corona came into our lives and basically paused it for 3 months, my mental health was going down again. I could just feel myself slipping away. I had just made the decision to start and look for therapy again, but this time actually focussed on trauma. I was scared though. I definitely did not want to bring up everything I had pushed away for years. I never got around to finding a therapist and then all of a sudden I was trapped inside my house, by myself, with way too much time to think.

Sooooooo...
About 4 weeks into the quaratine I decided to keep this journal. In this journal I was completely free to complain and rant about my life. However, I wanted to make sure I would come out of it better, instead of being more depressed after writing. So I gave myself 1 rule: after writing negative things into the journal, I have to write down some of the 'positive little points'. These could be really big or extremely small things, as long as they brought some sort of joy. I forced myself to think about some good things and leave the journal on a good note.

On this page I will share the pages I wrote during my move to Rotterdam. It was the only way for me to try and keep my thoughts staight and make myself feel better.
These pages are very raw, so bare with my dramatic ass sometimes.

26-5-2020


I have been in my room in Rotterdam now for a few days and everything should be fine. Everything is supposed to be fantastic right now. But it just isn't. At night I just feel really homesick. I really did not expect it to be like this. Of course you need to adjust, but I even cry at night.
I still am not really able to keep my concentration towards the things I should be doing. Choosing a fucking song to listen to while writing this is already to much for me...

Annnnd I was distracted again

And again. My god...
Get it together girl!!

I stil, or again, have nightmares. But so realistic. Not the 'I am being chased by

a monster' nightmare. More like a nightmare with a fight, stress and people who are dying.

I am just so done with quarantine. It feels like I am not able to suppress my trauma anymore. Especially now that I am so lonely in my room. I really wanted this to be a positive place so badly, but I feel way more negative over here than at home.

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Positive llittle points
- Having dinner in the park with San + Myrth
- Unpack my stuff and feel more at home
- June 1st is almost there --> more things to do
- Go home on thursday
- Do whatever I feel like
- Nice weather, summmerrr

27-5-2020

I have wanted my 'normal' life back for 3 months. I just everything to be 'normal' for a while. I want to go to school every day. I want to go to dance class every wednesday night. I want to be able to see and hug my friends. I would even gladly travel with public transport for 4 hours every day, and I hated that. I want to curse when my bus drives away right in front of me and I have to wait 50 minutes AGAIN. I just want everything to be normal. The nice AND the bad things.

And then I decide to move out of my parent's house.
The only that I still had left of my normal life were my surroundings. The house I live in, the nature and my mum and little brother and sister all around me. Now I really do not have anything left that is 'normal'. The quarantine already had a bad effect on

me, but this only makes things worse.

And then I even start to feel bad because I am feeling bad and I am not able to enjoy all of this.

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Positive little points
- Sweet friends that make things "gezellig" (no english translation, means sth along the lines of fun, cozy, nice)
- Table easel will be in my room soon
- *******too personal I guess**********
- Almost done with mailing internship schools
- Going home!!

1-6-2020

The majority of the weekend I was home alone but it still felt better than in Rotterdam. I have sewn some masks and apparantly I really enjoy doing that, it calms me.

Actually all the positive things about moving out to the city are gone now. I don't have to go to school, can't do any fun things, can't go out, can't see my friends like normally.
All negative things are actually really exaggerated right now. I don't feel at home, I have too much room/time to think about my trauma, everything costs a lot of money and I don't have a job and I feel very lonely.
Very lonely.
So lonely, that I need to have youtube or netflix playing in the background all day long. Music doesn't work anymore. I don't even watch the videos. I just want to hear people talking.

I feels like I am dissociating again this whole time. And then I get distracted and it is all of a sudden time to have dinner. Then I haven't done anything for school again and I get so stressed out.

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Positive points
- Wednesday having dinner at uncle Peet
- painting
- It's almost plusweeks
- Reading in the park at night on thursday
- Being able to use the fridge and freezer